Dying without dying and getting reborn again
I don´t know if other people too are familiar with such processes, but in this life I feel like I have died a couple of times. Only that my body didn't die. Every time this happened, it went along with a big health and life crisis on top of witch I was agonizing in pain and was really ready to leave. Don`t get me wrong, I do not have any death wish. I want to live and I love life and it´s countless possibilities. So why do I have to go through such extreme processes? I really don´t know. It´s s just that some of us do ride the extreme roller coasters of life, while for other´s life is rather a leisurely wheelchair ride through a well-kept park, including refreshments served in the shades. Everyone wishes for stability and security, but life doesn´t provide it for each of us in the same extent.
To begin with, I was born in a beautiful country, that was wiped from the map later in my childhood. I´m still mourning this country. Already in my childhood, life showed me that it will unannounced take away what it has given. Like pulling the carpet out from under your feet. The way it took out my mother. I was not ready for it. Still I am not. In my own world and universe, death is not a number to dial. I actually do believe, if I´m entirely honest, that death does not really exist. Yes things do come to an end. Their life expires. And then they either transform themselves, while still existing, or death takes them out. Only to transform them into a new state of aggregation later, so they will find a new entrance to existence. Often not very re recognizable though. Nothing is really for ever gone or nullified. It just rearranges itself. Energy never goes anywhere. It transforms.
In that sense, I am personally in a huge process of rearrangement, that`s going on for 2–3 years now, and I´m going to say, that this is the most painful and long ongoing I ever had to endure. It`s soul and body wrenching. Parallel the whole world is going through such a process. But does everyone else feel it this intense?
In the last 2,5 years I have lost literally everything and everybody. My career, my work, my mentor, my income, my self identification, my friends, my freedom, my relationship, my market value as an artist — but most of all, I have lost the trust, that this world will take care of me somehow, like it always did. Having the feeling that this world, despite it´s ups and downs is still in support of us and will find us a way to transition into a new state of being, was my basis believe system throughout all my life. This basic believe has been shattered now. I went through decay after decay but no renewal took place. Nothing got replaced or rearranged. No door has opened but more got shut. I shut a few myself. The quote says “Where God closes one door, it opens a new one”, was true for always and ever. BUT NOT ANYMORE MATE. NOT ANY MORE.
So what are we doing? waiting for the doors, or portals to open? Everyone is weary and sick of this world. To be honest, this world lately is my illness. I´m sick of everything false, fake, unauthentic and wrong. I´m sick of the scripted reality where I have no place. Where I dot t want a place because, bag your pardon, I´m, not made of plastic and I still do have a soul, that I´m intending to keep.
I want the good old magical organic world back. Minus the scripted reality, minus everything that makes this world a bad and unloving place.
